Randox feeling

I was feeling slightly emo jus now but now I'm fine again.. Guess I heal faster then any creature on earth. I feeling like shouting everything out here, on my mini space but then... there are concerns everywhere. I always keep things to myself cox I know not everyone will be willing or every wanna here from u. Since dunno when I decided to SHUT UP not jus verbally but also mentally at times.

At home...
I'm very very quiet, I dun speak much or give much comments. I had bad attitude last time and I dunno wat to say to my family. In the end I decided to talk at all to them all minimise the communication. Slowly.... I dun seems to even listen to them when they talks to each other... Coz at first 1/3 of the talks were complains abt me. Soon... I dun even wanna 'peak' into their talks. U can say I'm very protective to myself or in accurate phrase, I call it selfish. I wanna feel the bit of confidence in me and widen it.

I always recall, there's once when I was sick having high fever as close to 39.8 degree. I told my sisters and the reaction I got was never forgotten... 'Orh!' Knowing I will take care of myself. I sadly put down everything and rest in bed, putting on the wet towel I wetted myself. And Even I know my sis change my towel after I slept and all... I dun feel direct concern. When I ask them.. They jus laugh and joke ard. Oh well.. Thanks. I got ur concern and whether I got it or not it doesnt make a different. Thanks for the effort of the least of a 'Orh'.

Since dunno when... I got quite sensitive to every single reaction my family gave me. A stare of dislike/hate. Slightly louder voice - Angry. Elaborating again and again -Nags. Adding vinger and oil - Make things worse. *Me? Keep quiet. Ignore. But they can still keep talking nonstop. :((

I cry to destress at time but if them sees it, they will comment all I can do is cry. WTF. Thanks! Even Cry also got comment. Can I jus faint and dun feel anything. I will really thank everyone.

Even my bf can tell I got no stand in the family. Yea! Tats true. And I dun wanna comment. Talk more, more fault to find in me... I guess. When I'm at home, I prefer them to jus tell me wat they wan and never to ask them question. Either I get replies like 'ask so much for wat' or 'tell u, u also dunno'. So why ask? Never ask at all say I'm not concern. Okie... then wat to do?

Today: Abit upset. My family attitude to me as usual. Had a little quarrel wif my mummy. Haiz... Sian. Thanks for being born. :'

Can someone transform me to a no feeling, no expression and no pain person? May I will feel better. May I won't But neither way nothing changes. I still remain here.

I only can choose to be a happy gal to ppl by being happy. Coz no one knows if they are true feelings anyway. Wats important is... I know ppl are happy becoz I manage to give them some happiness even though I can't get any. But I got some thru the ppl I gave happiness to. And I will be happy abit :))

*I need some time, some patient. Please!